X,
I’ve been walking around thinking “I need to get fucked”.
I do.
I have to be pounded. And for the longest time I’ve been mad
because you won’t just fuck me.
We’ve already established that sex between me and you is a
complicated picture. One of the reasons I find it so frustrating is that “sex
play” doesn’t seem to be off the table; in fact the play aspect of sex is really something beautiful between us. But I
realize I am actually a little resentful because playing is often a spontaneous
thing and my ability to orgasm is usually not calibrated to happen at a
moment’s notice.
I want you to make me cum, I realize. The type of “cum” that
only happens from penetration.
But that requires planning, orchestration, and time, at the
very least, to prepare for the ordeal. And suddenly making me cum becomes “an
ordeal”. It’s not play anymore if it can’t be spontaneous. And is it still even
play, if I specifically need you cock inside my pussy? Isn’t that just sex?
So….. I decided, fine, I need to be fucked.
And so I fucked myself with my dildo. But actually, I imagined
you were there and you were fucking me with my dildo…
….what would that be
like, if he fucked me with my toys? That’s really playful!
Oh, fuck, I came TREMENDOUSLY thinking about that.
I really do believe deeply that vaginas need to be filled,
that there is something biologically and psychologically healthy about filling
a vagina to the brim. So I think that’s part of the reason why my body screams:
get penetrated for the love of god!
Interesting things started to happen as I fucked myself with
my dildo (imagining it was you fucking me with said dildo).
Among them:
-my pussy got super saturated nearly immediately upon
penetration. So saturated that I think I’d almost be embarrassed by the extent
of my wetness if I had an audience. It was copious and slick and downright
messy. It was leaking all between my ass cheeks and slicking up my pubes. There
was nothing lady like about all that wetness.
-my pussy got super, super relaxed. So relaxed I think I’d
actually be embarrassed by how wide open and eager it was. So relaxed and so
wet that you very well might have been able to stuff your whole fist into it
(fisting, mmmm, fuck, fisting is delicious but trying to pretend that this was
the first time you were playing with my pussy, I just kept thinking: “man,
“cavernous” as a first impression is really hard to bear”)
-my juices turned pink. Sometimes this happens, because my
fibroid is so close to the lining of my uterus. Sometimes mid-month I spot
diluted blood. Sometimes that’s happened during sex and I’m like “Fuck my life
that is the most unsexy things ever”.
I kept going despite these mishaps. There have been many
points in my life that I never saw the necessity to finish masturbating if I am
confronted with the less than stellar aspects of my anatomy. I think I’m
grossed out by it.
It wasn’t until about five minutes ago I realized: maybe I
don’t understand process of getting
fucked or why my body seeks to be fucked in the first place.
I kept going despite these mishaps, only because I imagined
you fucking me with my dildo, and I didn’t think that you would stop until I
had had my true fill. I kept going until I came, playing with the depth of my
thrusts, pulling the dildo all the way out before slowly cramming it back in. I
rotated it around the walls of my vulva. I feverishly reamed into the
tenderness of my cervix.
I kept going until the wetness regulated itself.
I kept going until the walls of my vagina felt tight and
revived.
I kept going until I came.
Something happened in the process of “fucking” myself: my
vagina threw a tantrum. It was like it needed to be recalibrated by being
defined by penetration. Maybe that doesn’t always mean I need flesh and blood
cock. Maybe that means when I’m not having physical sex regularly I have to be
kind to my body and train my vag (the same way I train my abs or my biceps).
Maybe I’m gonna have to pay more attention to when my body
says “we need to get fucked”.
I guess I just realized for the first time: I can do that
myself if need be.
But you should know I’m still learning how. In the meantime, I’m gonna have to borrow your
likeness as the imaginary cock that makes me cum.
-C
